Itisi

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a beautiful princess who had eyes like sapphires and hair the colour of autumn leaves*. The beautiful princess spent her days rescuing kittens from wells, enduring the attentions of handsome princes and giving arms to the poor and elderly**.

One day, while venturing forth on yet another kitten rescuing expedition, the princess happened across a strange and unusual creature whose rigid face seemed incapable of any expression. What could it be?
“What are you?”, asked the princess, because that was the logical thing to do.
“I am Generic Female Lead” replied the creature, “And I bring you the elixir of youth.”
“I am familiar with you from many romantic comedies of the ’80s and ’90s, but you look different. Have you been using the services of the apothecaries, Drs. Scalpel and Botox?”
“Nay”, responded Generic Female Lead, “I have been using the elixir of youth so I shall be young and beautiful forever. Would you guess I’m really 93?”

The princess admitted she wouldn’t and, most impressed with the claims made by Generic Female Lead, took the proffered pot containing the elixir of youth and immediately applied it to her delicate, peach-like skin.

Weeks later the princess was perplexed. She had been applying the elixir of youth twice daily to little avail. The years had not been turned back, but she had noticed a substantial difference in her appearance: she now looked rather greasy. So greasy in fact, rumours were circulating around the castle saying the beautiful princess had taken to applying lard to her face. The rumours had even reached the town criers who were proclaiming the news loudly in market squares across the realm, causing a run on lard in grocers everywhere as loyal subjects attempted to emulate her look. The handsome princes no longer tried to impress her and rescuing kittens was impossible because the grease got everywhere and they slipped out of her hands.

The beautiful princess realised she had been the victim of a terrible plot by Generic Female Lead who obviously represented a group of unscrupulous wizards. In an attempt to gain control of the land and force it’s citizens to follow the Atkins Diet, watch chick-flicks and read Vogue, the wizards had devised a cunning plan to coat everyone in lard, thereby making it impossible for anyone to carry out important everyday activities.

The princess alerted the castle guards who threw Generic Female Lead and the wizards into the dungeons***, whereupon lard-free normality was restored. And the princess? She went back to the crazy whirl of rescuing kittens from wells, enduring the attentions of handsome princes and giving arms to the poor and elderly, before retraining as an astronaut and marrying the drummer from Rage Against the Machine.

And that’s exactly what happened!

* It could just as easily have been a field of wheat or a raven’s wing, for the princess knew of magic potions she could use to change it’s colour at will.
** She wasn’t certain this was a good thing but had been assured it was an important duty for all princesses.
*** Where they were treated wonderfully and given cake on Sundays. No, really.


Disclaimer: Any similarities between real people and/or situations is purely your imagination. Honestly!

Currently listening to: Hush by Kula Shaker




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