Justin Bieber's Biggest Fan?

He's gonna fight for his right to Bieber

So, the big news this week has been the riots, I was going to write something about that, but I don’t really have anything to add to the opinions already aired so it would be pretty redundant. However,  if I must say something it would be that I don’t think poverty is the main motivator – few of the rioters appear to be poor, and for every area where people did riot, there were others which are just as poor or even poorer where people didn’t*. I don’t think it’s straightforward criminality either – few of the rioters appear to be criminals, just opportunistic types who like to get free stuff.

I think the rioters are mostly self-absorbed types who don’t understand the illogicality of smashing up their local area and making life difficult for their neighbours; and who don’t care that their actions will make it more difficult for legitimate protesters who actually have a real grievance. I also think we should take some time to figure out why we have such people, and why people living in similar areas didn’t riot, but on the whole the accompanying photo  is the best response – we should mock them using the magic of Photoshop. I mean, how silly is that man going feel in years to come when that photo resurfaces again and again? Imagine trying to explain that to your children when they ask, ‘Daddy, why is there a photo of you on the internet looking like a grade A plonker’?

Instead I’m going to talk about something that was hidden away in the news: the announcement by the unfortunately named Jeremy Hunt that 65 towns and cities will be eligible to bid for local television licences. Many people are criticising this scheme, saying that daily local news programmes will be dull because local news tends to be dull. At first I thought they had a point, but after closer scrutiny of the local news in my area I’m not so sure.

For a long time I thought the local news in my area was duller than the dullest thing you can imagine, and then some. The weekly papers usually have a front page story – something about a mugging, or maybe a fight outside a town centre pub – but then it’s page after page of talented pets**, primary school children holding swimming galas, photos of large and/or unusually shaped vegetables and profiles of people reaching their 100th birthday. Only one type of crime seems to proliferate: thefts from garden sheds. The police usually put this down to organised gangs, and for a while I believed them, but then I started to have doubts. I mean, organised gangs of bicycle thieves? I can believe in gangs getting organised to smuggle diamonds or valuable works of art, but hovermowers?

I think the police are missing a trick here. It’s obviously not a series of organised gangs – why would there be so many, and why target Doncaster? -  this can only be the work of an evil but financially embarrassed genius.

Unlike most evil geniuses, this guy doesn’t have the wherewithal to build a secret base beneath a volcano, so he’s reduced to working from his garden shed. He also can’t afford snazzy equipment to build the evil genius machine that he plans to use to take over the world, so he’s cobbling something together out of old bike wheels and lawnmower fan belts which he pilfers on nightly excursions to the suburbs and villages of the greater Doncaster area. It’s not entirely clear what the machine will do, but it does have ten gears, a switch to adjust the height for different surfaces and a complimentary water bottle.

So far, I haven’t able to identify this hideous fiend, but I have put together a psychological profile based on my own weird imaginings state of the art scientific principles. I think we’re looking for an older gentleman, one of those chaps who decides to take up a hobby when they retire, after all, who else would have the time? And who else could avoid detection for so long? He’s probably doing it under the very noses of the police who don’t suspect a harmless old man***.

This menace to all we hold dear probably started out quite innocently, maybe he was trying to build a more efficient pump for his tropical fish tank. However, several months of soul-destroying daytime television combined with eating his own body weight in rich tea biscuits sent him over the edge. One day he was ranting at Jeremy Kyle, the next he was hell bent on world domination with the view to forcing us all to wear beige slacks, play cribbage and listen to the Nolans’ Greatest Hits. Despicable.

That’s as much as my inquiries have revealed, but I’ll keep investigating, I’m sure more clues lurk amongst those seemingly innocuous tales of endearing school choirs, novelty vegetables and uncatchable pike.

* Plus, why were people raiding pound shops? They’re hardly aspirational and I find it difficult to believe we have people who can’t afford to spend a quid on a novelty plant pot in the shape of a teletubby, or a 15 gallon vat of neon-pink hair gel. I suppose it’s possible they are fobbing the good people of Doncaster off with tat while those in Birmingham and London are offered Tiffany lamps and  pashminas, but that seems unlikely given the overheads.

** Sadly that is usually a cat who makes a noise that sounds a bit like hello, or a dog who looks a bit like his owner. I’d be more impressed if these pets were genuinely talented, if they could juggle, or spin plates, or perform Swan Lake in the manner of Margot Fonteyn, something like that.

*** This why Scooby Doo should be required viewing at police training colleges.

Anyone familiar with football – that’s soccer to you folk across the Atlantic – will have heard the phrase, ‘play the ball, not the man’. It basically means that when a player goes in for a tackle, they should aim to take control of the ball without nobbling their opponent. I’ve often thought that this is a useful maxim for writers too, especially those who specialise in opinion pieces.

I was reminded of this today while reading Melanie Phillips latest offering in the Daily Mail, in which she attempts to deflect attention away from the fact that Anders Breivik quoted her – not once, but twice – in his ‘manifesto’. Apparently, all the hate and bile she spouts on a weekly basis have absolutely no effect on anyone. Obviously, she can’t claim her columns are full of sweetness and light and fluffy kittens, so she defends her use of hateful language saying, “Some words undoubtedly do have hateful or violent consequences — but they are by definition hateful or violent words”.

I find this argument very strange because she seems to be saying that hateful and violent words can influence people, but those who write the hateful and violent words are in no way responsible. How can that be? Surely, the writer chose to use hateful words? The words don’t write themselves. It’s disingenuous of Ms Phillips to suggest that somehow she is not responsible for what she writes. The words made me do it is not a defence.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t take too much notice of the sources that influenced Breivik, he’s obviously not entirely rational even if he is found to be sane. And, irrational people have done all sorts of terrible things because they believed completely innocent texts supported it. However, in this case I do think Melanie gave him an awful lot to work with; her columns are not objective, she doesn’t play the ball, she plays the man, or the woman, or, on occasion, the dog.

Melanie Phillips is a bit like the Razor Ruddock of journalism. When she writes about, for example, single parents the resulting piece is less informed commentary and more of a two-footed tackle to the back of the knees. Instead of an insightful overview of the coalition government, she produces the written equivalent of elbowing David Cameron in the face. She rarely uses facts – pesky things, they get in the way of a good rant – preferring to rattle off stereotypes and generalisations. She then backs herself up by insisting her views are “shared by millions of decent British people”. I suspect she may be wrong about that, and that her views are shared, but not by decent people, British or otherwise.

Of course, Melanie does differ from Razor in some crucial ways. Razor could argue that he nobbled opposing players because of competitiveness, because he desperately wanted his team to win, and that his opponents were perfectly capable of defending themselves.

Melanie prefers opponents who don’t have the luxury of a national newspaper column so who can’t fight back, and she doesn’t act out of a will to win, but because, I suspect, she enjoys kicking people who can’t retaliate. And unlike Razor, who took a sending off in good humour, accepting it as part and parcel of the physical style he chose to play, Melanie refuses to accept that she has done anything wrong. Not only does she feel she has no responsibility for the words she writes, she actually believes she is a victim of  a left-wing conspiracy to smear the right.

As soon as the atrocity happened, people on the Left saw a heaven-sent opportunity to smear mainstream conservative thinkers and writers by making a grossly distorted association between Breivik’s attack and their ideas.”

Except, that’s not really true is it? I haven’t seen anyone using this as an opportunity to ‘smear conservative thinkers’. Norman Tebbit is pretty far to the right but you’d have to be a bit potty to think his opinions would lead him to use mass murder to promote his cause. Once again, Ms Phillips is being disingenuous.

No one seriously believes the ‘right’ are one homogeneous group who all think the same; no one seriously believes the right are violent, homophobic, racist misogynists to a man, woman and dog. The people being scrutinised and found wanting are those, like Melanie, who choose to denigrate whole sections of society simply because they are different. They align themselves to the right, but really they’re just intolerant arses.

I doubt Melanie will ever read this, but just in case she happens by:

Melanie, you are in a very fortunate position. Not only do you live in a country where your right to speak freely is protected in law, but you have a national newspaper column to expound your views. However, with rights and privileges come responsibility. You have the right to express your views, but you also have a duty to do so in a responsible and appropriate manner. This does not stifle your opinions, it just means you use words with care and skill. You have to play the ball, not the man.

You are a very talented writer – your long career is testament to this – you know that words are not merely words, words have power, but that power is in the hands of the individual who uses the words, not the words themselves. I’m just a naive, inexperienced and relatively young blogger, but I know that. You, with your glittering career and years of experience most certainly do.

Stop hiding behind words, admit you screwed up and went too far, show some humility. It’s the mature thing to do and it may possibly gain you a modicum of respect. Continue to play the victim and ‘decent’ people, British or otherwise, will continue to think you are reprehensible.



Now, where do I get one of these?

Someone has invented a device which emits a high pitched beep, audible only to the under 20s. The idea is, it will prevent gangs of teenagers hanging around outside shops, but I’m sure parents will be able to find other uses for it. Want the lounge to yourself one evening? Switch on the Mosquito and your teenagers will be gone. And of course you won’t be able to hear it, so can truthfully give a negative answer when they ask if you can hear a horrible noise.

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